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Reports from the battlefield of online dating

My Lover's Never Charming

Not long ago, I was happily married. Life consisted of blowing up balloons at birthday parties, going to parent-teacher conferences, and celebrating anniversaries with champagne, chocolate and flowers. Then one day my marriage collapsed. Shit happens. Divorce followed.

Suddenly I was thrown into a new existence as a single guy in New York. There were dating apps to download and lots of new acronyms to learn. LTR? FWB? GGG? All I could think of was WTF? Reports coming out of the battlefield indicated that dating had become a vicious, brutal sport. I tried to prepare myself by diving head first into the Web, but every article I read was written by a woman; and typically an angry one! The narrative was horribly skewed!

Now I'm back from the front lines with a few stories to tell. What's it really like to be a single guy in the age of swipe-a-romance? Grab a beer and pull up a chair.

NOTE: Based on true events. The names have been changed until the guilty upgrade their phones and lose my contact info.

Report 1.

Love. Sister. It's Just a Swipe Away!

Report 2.

Dancing Queen. "I gave all my savings to the mafia so they wouldn't kill him"

Report 3.

Can you write youself into this soap opera?

Report 4.

In my next life

Report 5.

The Brentwood jezebel and 3 Ghosts

Report 6.

Truth or dare

Report 7.

Wharton on the West Side

Report 8.

I'd like to see more enthusiasm

Report 9.

Stalked by wild vegans

Report 10.

I'd like to have my orgasm standing at the bar!

Bonus Report.

Kiss of the femme fatale


CREDITS

Written under the influence by J.J. Feck

Send marriage proposals, hate mail, and HBO meeting requests to:

THANKS

Special thanks to AW, AG, CMT who talked me off the ledge on several occasions and provided valuable feedback through the process

NYC restaurants: Upland, The Roxy, Raoul’s, Crave Fishbar, ABC Kitchen, I Sodi, Salinas, Cookshop, Vignt Sur Vin, El Quijote, Ardesia, Rye, All Hands, Bodega Negra, ilili

LA restaurants: Toscana, Tavern, Cecconi's, Wabe Sabe, James Beach, Tar & Roses, Rustic Canyon, Ingo's Tasty Diner, Gracias Madre

AND FINALLY

Friends are so alarming
And my lover's never charming
Life's just a cocktail party on the street
Big Apple